Gnome Physics

– February 28, 2011

All subatomic particles – electrons, protons, neutrons and so on – are composed of extremely small gnomes.

While relatively unknown, the gnome theory of matter can successfully explain many physical phenomena, including gravitation, electromagnetism, the photoelectric effect, and the wavelike properties of matter.


It is widely known that gnomes are a rambunctious species, preferring to get incredibly drunk whenever possible. Naturally, a gnome prefers to get drunk in the company of as many other gnomes as is possible, and so gnomes seek each other out for large and rowdy gnome parties.

Gravitation, then, is merely a natural gnomic effect by which clusters of gnomes attract other gnomes to their parties. Larger clusters of gnomes (i.e. matter with higher mass) are more attractive, because every gnome wants to be in the biggest and baddest party around.


Of course, gnomes come in two genders, as one might expect. The particles we consider “negatively charged” are male gnomes; positively charged particles are female. Gnomes are simultaneously an intensely homophobic and an intensely sexual species, and two gnomes of the same gender (or “charge,” as some physicists are wont to call it) repel each other strongly. Oppositely-gendered gnomes, however, experience a strong attraction. Given the gnome propensity for drunken orgies, this attractive force increases with the number of gnomes involved.

The behavior of light is best explained through gnome beer. Gnomes are voracious consumers of beer, and under certain conditions gnomes can be made to give up their beer, emitting light. This causes features such as the photoelectric effect.

Photoelectric Effect

When a quantity of fine gnome beer is incident upon gnome matter, the gnomes must decide whether or not to ingest it. To a gnome, too small a quantity of beer is worthless – even insulting – and will immediately be rejected. A gnome, then, will only accept beer in certain discrete units, now described by physicists as “Planck pints” and understood to be the fundamental unit of consumable beer.

Once a sufficient quantity of beer strikes a gnome, it is immediately ingested. Now, a gnome that is sufficiently drunk may break free of the gnome party he currently inhabits (i.e. the surface he is currently attached to) and drunkenly wander to the next; the amount of drunkenness required to achieve this is strongly dependent on the type of party the gnome is attending, and hence varies with material.

Of course, very large quantities of beer will create an incredibly intoxicated gnome who may stumble out of the collective rather quickly in his drunken state, being too drunk to catch on to other gnomes to slow down.

Wave-Particle Duality

This should be self-explanatory. Gnomes tend to vary between sobriety and inebriation very quickly; a sober gnome and a hilariously drunk gnome tend to balance each other out in destructive interference, whereas two drunk gnomes have twice the drunken destructive power.


Antimatter is merely matter composed of tiny dwarves, rather than gnomes. Dwarves hate gnomes, and when they come into contact, incredibly violent wars break out, often destroying both sides.

Ionizing Radiation

Do you have any idea how much damage an incredibly drunk and energetic gnome can do to your DNA? Dense shielding, such as lead, provides a sufficiently attractive party to capture the drunken gnome, while light shielding can’t party hard enough to attract the attention of thoroughly drunk gnomes.

Modern Acceptance of Gnome Theory

Gnome Theory is highly successful at explaining why modern physics behaves the way it does. Physicists should not be content behind their meaningless equations; they need to understand how the world really works, and the answer is of course gnomes. Unfortunately, gnomes have a propensity to organize themselves in juvenile drunken pranks to disrupt experiments designed to detect them, so experimental work is difficult.

Modern physicists are trapped behind the religion that is mathematics. Complicated equations and incomprehensible symbols aren’t required for Gnome Theory – everything is gnomes! It’s just that simple.

Of course, every professor I’ve presented Gnome Theory to has cruelly driven me out of their office, insisting that nothing can ever replace their precious mathematics. But they just don’t see the beautiful simplicity of gnomes.